Introverts: Do You Ever Feel Like Something is Wrong With You?

Back in January 2010, I wrote a post entitled "Workplace Challenges Being an Introvert". In response, one of my blog readers recently shared:

"I'm such an introvert, and recently was told by my brother that I'm "wrong" for not talking to my relatives the way he does...I'm just not talkative, but of course that comes off as "bitchy"..I've been criticized for being quiet for a decade (I'm 21), and it's terrible to have to go through that, feeling like something is "wrong with you"...when actually, I'm a nice, friendly person with deep, meaningful thoughts...sometimes I don't know what to do with myself."

First of all, if you're an introvert, I am sure this resonates.  If it does, rest assured that there is nothing wrong with you.  Unfortunately, given how we introverts are wired, we often come off as such to those who don't understand us.  What varies are the choice of words used to describe us. Yet underlying messages are similar. And in each instance we feel misjudged.

Having said that, we have a choice.  Do we want to continue to go through life being misjudged, defending how we are,while remaining silent and "hiding" behind "that's how we are?"  Or do we want to do something about it?  If you choose the later, here's something for you to think about, and then do.

Next time someone misjudges you, why not first thank them for they have given you invaluable feedback.  Secondly, ask them "What's the one thing you could say or do differently, so that you don't come off as...bitchy...aloof...arrogant...disengaged...?  If you genuinely ask for guidance, people will provide it to you, from a good place.

By doing so you will gain valuable actionable guidance, and then you can accordingly adjust your behavior as needed for the given situation.  And you can do this in a way that doesn't negate who you are while at the same time communicating to others the real authentic caring nice person that you are on the inside.

Now, if you were to choose this path, which you can for many things in life are acts of will, and therefore doable once you put your mind to it, what would your relationships, personal and professional, look like?  What obstacles would be removed?  What opportunities would become available to you?  In a nutshell, what would become possible for you?

So, with this said, which path do you choose? 

5 Reasons God Made Introverts!

Being a quiet type, growing up I used to think something is wrong with me.  At gatherings it appeared talkative ones were the popular ones.  As for me, I would mostly sit quietly observing and listening as others chatted away.  So many times I used to wish I had the gift of the gab as those who could make small talk at the drop of a hat had.  While my brain would be active, listening with curiosity.  While I can focus intensely and think deeply, when it comes to making small talk, I seem to blank out.  All the while I would sit there feeling self-imposed internal pressure that I should also be saying something but then wouldn't know what to say.  Somehow talking for the sake of talking still doesn't come naturally to me, and frankly superficial conversations don't interest me either.

Then it occurred to me that at the very basic level, God created two kinds of people.  There are those who are mainly talkers, and then there are the listeners. Why is that you ask?  Imagine for a moment if we all were talkers.  Then who would we talk to?  On the flip side, if we had mainly listeners, then who would we listen to?  With this realization, I accepted that I am the listening type and others are the talker types.  And we both need each other.

In our society, broadly speaking, talkers are thought of as extroverts and listeners as introvert. With this said, I wondered, while we introverts don't talk much, what do we do that makes us special?  Why did God make us for He doesn't make anything without a purpose?  As I reflected on these questions, 5 overarching reasons came to my mind. They are:

• Natural Listeners: Have you ever wanted, needed to talk to someone who would give you undivided attention, really listen to what you have to say without interrupting or cutting you off, patiently take the time to understand you and your views?  This is one of the areas where introverts really shine because since they are not talkers, they are naturally great at listening, both to what you say and also to what you don't say.

• Discoverers and Problem Solvers: When I think about many of the scientists, researchers, engineers, mathematicians, technology types, I find many of them are introverts.  They have immense patience to quietly persist, focus intensely, think in depth and pay attention to the smallest details as well as at the same time see the big picture and the interconnectedness.  They can go in great depths in to specific subjects and stick to it for long long periods of time, which is what is often required to come up with something new, and to solve complex problems.  In fact, my observation is that many of our subject matter experts, particularly in technical and scientific areas, tend to be introverts.

• Knowledge Bearers and Sharers: I find many introverts, possessing strong writing skills, patiently sit at their computers putting out journal articles, blog posts, publications, books and so on.  All this serves to educate and inform.  That in turn influences decisions, actions and ultimately outcomes for many.

• Natures Glue: Introverts in my experience don't like too much change.  As result, whether it has to do for example with a job, a project, relationship, a business, introverts prefer to stick.  Having the desire for predictability and stability, they prefer to stay for long periods and as a result serve as a stabilizing force.  They also serve as a calming presence for they don't get overly excited too easily, and they tend to think before they talk.  In today's uncertain fast changing climate, such calmness that introverts naturally exude is so welcomed and so refreshing, at least to me as an introvert.

• Strong Long-Range Planners:  Introverts don't tend to jump into new areas very quickly.  While this can be a disadvantage in crisis situations (areas where I find extroverts tend to be stronger), when it comes to long-range planning, creating order out of chaos, solving complex problems, introverts are generally very strong.  They can patiently think ahead, develop and analyze options, identify gaps and problem areas before they become costly mistakes, and come up with solutions and alternative approaches. Many times because they are such patient thinkers, they have the strong ability to also sit back, reflect, see the big picture and identify how various pieces connect. 

So if you're an introvert, feel great about yourself for you have so many reasons to be thankful for being one.  And for the introverts you know, please share this with them and thank them for the goodness they bring into all of our lives.  Thank you.

Introverts: Your Time Has Now Come!

For the longest time, primary means of communication, achieving visibility, and establishing credibility and personal brand involved mostly verbal communication, which is extroverts' natural strengths.  These means included telephone conversations, face-to-face meetings and networking, and speaking.

While there were means of written communication available, such as writing articles for newsletters and magazines, given the costs, time involved in publishing, and limited available space, getting published was time consuming and not as readily available.  Thus putting introverts at a great disadvantage given their preference for the written words.

Today however situation is very different and it is very favorable to us introverts.  This is because majority of business, and even personal, communication now takes place via means that require writing, which is introverts preferred means of communication and their natural strength .  These means include email, electronic discussion groups, social media platforms such as Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, blogs, electronic newsletters, self-publishing, to name just a few.

These widely available, inexpensive, and easy to use platforms combined with introverts natural ability to think deeply,  communicate complex concepts and ideas through witting provides us introverts great opportunities to share our knowledge, our expertise. Thus positioning us as the experts and the go-to-people for solutions.  By taking advantage of these means and taking time to share what we know, we now have the means and the power readily available to us to develop immense networks and establish strong personal brands via means that play to our natural strengths.

Therefore introverts, your time has now come to shine and get to the top. Leverage these modern means to establish your personal brands that will serve you well.  The way I see it, I can't think of a better time for us introverts then now.  Given this, what next step will you take to increase your visibility, establish firmly your personal brand, and to take your turn to be at the top? 

Is What You See Really What You See?

Is it possible for multiple people to see the same situation and yet each see it very differently, have different thoughts and feelings about it, and each reach very different conclusions in regards to it?  Then depending on what and how each sees what they see, that will impact their choices, decisions, actions, and outcomes? 

Let me share a recent situation to illustrate this.  A young college gal, who was feeling very sad at the time, came to talk with me. After she settled in, I gently asked her what's going on, and then patiently waited in silence for her reply.  I find some conversations just can't be rushed.  After some time, she said "all my friends are leaving me".

After few moments of again silence, respecting what she shared and reflecting on it, I asked if I can ask a question. Upon permission, I asked "Is it that your friends are leaving you, or is it that they are leaving?"  After some exploration, it turns out what she really meant was that they are leaving, moving out of town, changing colleges, graduating and moving on.  This was a critical distinction to explore with her, to understand for myself as well as for her own sake, as to whether she felt they were leaving or if she saw it as them leaving her.  This was important for each frame of reference implied very different thought patterns and would lead to then different explorations to help her through it.

Moving forward, though she logically understood them moving on, she was still very sad for she felt once they left, they are gone forever and she'll have to make new friends.  In addition, she wondered what's the point for if she makes new friends they too will leave one day.

After few more moments of silence again, I further inquired by asking: How is it that by them moving that the friendship can not continue?  Is it not possible that by your friends moving, rather then your circle getting smaller and you being alone, your circle of friends and professional contacts is actually getting bigger and you'll have more places to visit and to turn to?  For as they make new connections and you maintain the friendships, then your circle of friends can actually get even larger?

As she reflected on this, after some time, a smile emerged.  As she came to this realization, her mind started turning as she thought about the various places she could now visit, and develop even more friendships. Finally she left feeling joyful, feeling light, and filled with new possibilities.  All as a result of simply seeing the situation through a new lens, seeing it differently then what she at first saw it as.

So getting back to the question "Is what you see really what you see?" next time you see something, ask yourself if what you're seeing is really so.  Consider exploring different possibilities, seeing it from multiple angles.  And then see what new possibilities emerge for you. As you did this, in what ways do you think this could ultimately impact you?  Can you think of a recent situation in your own life where what you saw was really not what you thought you saw?  And once you shifted your perspective and saw it differently, everything from that new seeing led to different thought patterns and ultimately different outcomes?

Introverts: Have You Ever Felt Misunderstood?

Have you ever been asked these types of questions?

• You OK?
• Is everything alright?
• Are you angry, upset about something?
• Something bothering you?

Have you ever been labeled as:

• Distant
• Loner
• Scary
• Intense
• Cold
• Loser
• Impersonal
• Aloof
• Quiet as a Mouse
• Slow
• Hesitant
• Picky
• Dull
• Anti-Social
• Not a team player
• Low energy
• Boring

If you're an introvert like me, I am sure this resonates for when you have been asked such questions and mislabeled as such, deep down you feel so misunderstood.  I know, for I have been there. And I must admit that hasn't necessarily felt good.

Good news is that there is something you can do about it.  You can overcome these perceptions by your starting to take one simple action.  While at first this action may feel uncomfortable for some, know that you can do it, and it may even impact your life in a very positive way.  Here it is:

As you run into your friends, family, work colleagues, and other people in general, rather then looking away, make a conscious effort to look at the them, or at least towards them, and say something letting them know you acknowledge their presence.  For example, assume this person you run into is named John.  When you and John approach each other, take the lead and say something like this:

• Hello John
• Good Morning John
• Have a great day John
• How was your weekend?
• Take care guy.  Have a great day

When you don't know the person, still say something simple like "Good Morning" or "Hi There".  You get the idea.  And look, it's not that complicated. You just have to look at, or towards the person and move your lips and make a simple sound.  It's this easy and it's very doable.  If I can do it, someone who was once labeled as quiet as a mouse, you can do it.

Warning:  Initially this new action of yours may shock some people. They may even wonder what you're up to, what ever happened to you, or what you been smokin'.  But that's OK.  Let 'em guess.  Go ahead, have some fun with this.  :)

You see, reality is that we introverts do acknowledge others but we often do it in our heads. As a result, others don't know that and therefore we introverts get misjudged and mislabeled. Frankly speaking, we bring it onto ourselves.  So the choice is yours.  You can continue down the same old path or you can take the bull by the horn and make the shift by starting to take small yet powerful steps as suggested above to begin to connect, and reap the rewards that follow.

So, what will you choose?

The 3-Step Program to Take Back Control of Your Time!

As I move about and talk to various people, I see so many who seem to be constantly feeling overwhelmed.  As I do, I ask myself:

• What are these people so busy doing?  
• When do they have time to think?
• How is what they're doing helping them and their organizations move forward in a significant way?
• Is some of what they're doing possible to simplify, automate, delegate, or perhaps just stop doing all together?  If they did, would anyone miss it?  Would their be any noticeable impact?

The more I thought about this, the more I realized how important focusing is. Focusing on things that matter, that have the greatest impact, that move you and your organization forward in significant ways, and stop doing things that don't. 

The questions then arose in my mind were while this sounds nice, where does one begin to take back control one's schedule, and what's the process by which one would regain greater focus and control?  As I reflected on this, what surfaced in my thoughts is what I will refer to as The CI Model (CIM).  Image is above.

In CIM, there are 4 Boxes.  They are:

• Box 1: Important/No Control 
• Box 2: Important/Control
• Box 3: Not Important/No Control
• Box 4: Not Important/Control

 As to what I mean by these terms, it is as follows:

• Important: Activities that move you, your team, and your organization forward in a significant way towards established goals.  These are activities that have significant pay off in comparison to time and resources invested.
• Not Important: Activities that don't move you forward towards established goals in any significant manner. These are things that take up physical and mental resources yet payoff is relatively small, if any at all, considering the effort and time investment.
• Control: These are activities that must be done by you given your expertise and qualifications.  In addition, you get to decide whether these are to be done, or not done, how they are to be done, and when.
• No Control: These are things that fall on your plate but they don't need to be done necessarily by you, if they need to be done at all in the first place.

If you agree with this so far, below are the 3 steps to follow to take back control of your schedule and focus on what matters most. The time you invest in doing this will more then pay off in freed up time and resources. In other words, time investment will be relatively small in comparison to pay off in the long-run. Here are the 3 steps:

Step 1: Do a brain dump.  Empty your brain. Write down everything that is on your plate right now.
Step 2: Move each of the items you have listed into appropriate boxes within the CIM.
Step 3: For items listed within each box, do as follows:

• Box No. 4 - Immediately stop doing it.
• Box No. 3 - First, question if this needs to be done at all.  If not, stop it.  If it does for some reason, renegotiate with whoever assigned this to you, to get it moved off your plate.  If you can't get it off your plate, look for ways to streamline it, automate it.
• Box No. 2 - As much as possible, focus your time and energy in this box for this will lead to greatest impact. The more you focus here, the more you and your organization benefit.
• Box No. 1 - Its important to do this work but its not necessary that you do it.  Therefore try to get it off your plate and look for someone else who can do this, both to free up your time and that it could serve to develop an upcoming colleague who could benefit by taking this on. 

Go ahead, give this a go.  This will help you not only take back control of your time (and your life), it'll also help you remain focused, in control, and lead to greater gains for you, your team, and your organization.  Everyone will win.

Say Yes to No, to Kick Start the New Year!

US President Obama carried his campaign on the slogan "Yes We Can!"  Growing up "Can Do Attitude" was drilled into us.  There are numerous books on "Getting to Yes".   On and on it goes.  With all this emphasis on "yes", whatever happened to "no"?  I think it's feeling left out.  And come to think of it, what's wrong with saying "No We Can't", "Getting to No", and having a "No Can Do Attitude"?  After all, isn't saying no just as powerful as saying yes? 

By saying yes to so many things, don't we often begin to feel like we're not living a life that is our own?  Don't we end up taking on so many things that don't energize us, don't fulfill us, cause us to lose focus, and don't move us forward towards what we want? So why do we say yes so often?

Now look, I have nothing against the word yes.  It's a perfectly fine word.  But just because it has one one more letter, doesn't make it better.  So isn't it time we honor and give "no" the respect it also deserves?  

If you agree with this, I invite you for a moment to stop doing whatever you're doing right now.  Spend some time in quiet reflection and list out all that is on your plate.  Then ask yourself, of all those things you just listed, which ones can you stop doing right now.  What can you say no to.  Then take the next step.  That is stop doing it.  Just say no.  It's that simple.

For as you do, you'll discover that it'll free you up to say yeses to the things that truly matter.  You'll become more focused, more effective, more joyful by saying yes to things that move you forward and no to things that don't.  At the end of the day, isn't that what you really want?

Yes?  No?

*****

P.S. If you're leading teams, I encourage you to share this with each of your team members and ask them to do the same.  Imagine how many valuable resources will get freed up which you can then redirect to doing more of what will move you and your organization forward.