My New Book: Language and the Pursuit of Leadership Excellence

Returning to this blog after a long time, it's a pleasure to share with you that my new book - co-authored with my friend and colleague, Chalmers Brothers - is now available!

"Language and the Pursuit of Leadership Excellence" provides an organizational blueprint and set of proven, actionable practical tools for leaders at all levels for building productive mutually-beneficial relationships - inside and outside their organizations... for shaping healthy workplace culture... for improving real world execution... and driving breakthrough results.

Based on the same powerful foundation as "Language and the Pursuit of Happiness" (2005), this new book draws on conversations with thousands of CEO's and business owners over the past 10 years.  Chalmers and I are confident that you will find this book to be helpful, relevant and valuable in your leadership journey.

In the coming months I also plan to write short posts here, sharing with you key distinctions from this powerful body-of-work, some of the ways you can apply this learning, and how it can serve you in your personal, professional, and organizational life.

Beware of the Assumption of Shared Meaning

A man sees his wife busy in the kitchen and says: "Can I help?".  She says, "Sure, take this bag of potatoes, peel half of them and put 'em in a pot to boil."  The picture above shows what he did.  Now, what happened here? I realize men are likely to have different explanation about this than the women.

Let’s look at some additional statements:

• You can't ever put too much water on a nuclear reactor 
• Joe will diet and exercise only if his doctor approves 
• A woman without her man is nothing 
• A man without his woman is nothing   
• I never said you did it
• Please have your report to me ASAP
• Clean-up your room nicely

What do all these statements have in common?  I think you’ll quickly see that each of these statements have multiple meanings, and what that meaning is for any particular listener is subject to their way of listening, their own way of interpreting and meaning making.  This is crucial to understand because it’s ones interpretation(s) and meaning making that generates ones emotions and leads to ones actions and the resulting outcomes.

So let’s look further as to what’s going on here.  This happens because when we speak and listen to each other, we assume that we share the same meaning and are operating from the same reality.  More often than not, this is not so.  Thus this is one of the main sources of communication breakdowns (and thus relationship breakdowns). 

What actually happens is that each of us has and continues to build up a “meaning database” based on our interpretations of our past experiences, and this database is activated in our speaking and listening.  And it is this “meaning database” that comprises our reality.  So when we speak, we do so from our own meaning database.  Similarly when we listen, we listen from our own meaning database. 

Furthermore, the meaning of words and gestures is also context specific. Therefore, resulting meaning between the speaker and the listener often is not the same.  As Chalmers Brothers, author of Language and the Pursuit of Happiness says: “He said what he said, she heard what she heard, and they may not be the same”.   Thus it’s no surprise that so many misunderstandings and communication breakdowns occur between people.

So if you have ever found yourself being misunderstood and saying something like “No, no, no, that is not what I meant”, or you yourself having misunderstood another where they said to you “No, no, no that is not what I meant”, there is very good likelihood that you both are operating in different realities and from different meaning databases.

With the above in mind, one of the best ways to ensure everyone is on the same page, a good practice is repeating back to the speaker what you heard and understood and ask if what you understood is what he/she meant.  Checking out your listening by taking such a step will often clear up many misunderstandings and will lead to better and stronger relationships, team work, and outcomes.

Getting Unstuck...New Beginnings...Moving Forward!

I often come across talented individuals who are feeling stuck.  And in spite of best of intentions, desires, and being highly capable they have a very difficult time making transition to the new.  I too have been one of these individuals.  Having myself successfully moved through several major life and career transitions over the years, mostly through trial-and-error, there are many lessons that I have learned along with way.  In this post, I will share with you couple of those key lessons.

So, first, what is it that keeps us from transitioning effectively?

The more I have thought about this, the more I have come to see that one of the key obstacles we face is that we overtime confuse our Doing with our Being and Having.  In other words, who we say we are becomes linked to what we do, to what we have accumulated and accomplished, and to the relationships we have built over the years.

For example, let's say I successfully practiced law.  Overtime as I engaged in this work, I lose sight of the fact that being an attorney was my professional role, it's what I did, but it didn't mean that I had Become an attorney.  Practicing law hadn't become some fixed and permanent property and define who I Am.  Instead, it was simply one of my life's roles.  So if my identify of who I say Am becomes so connected to my "being" an attorney and then if there comes a point when I no longer practice law, this then brings up the question "who am I really"?

What also keeps us stuck are our emotions, as they relate the past and to the future.  In regards to the past, we may be carrying feelings such as resentment, anger, hurt, guilt, shame, and regrets.  In regards to the future, given the unknown, we may be feeling anxiety, worry, fears, and apprehension.  Either way, these emotions also keep us stuck for neither have we come to terms with the past and nor have we embraced the uncertainty that is very much part of living for no one truly knows what the future holds.

So, how do we get unstuck and how do we move forward again to create a new future?

Through my own journey and after much reflection, I have come to see that we have to take two major steps.  One is we must complete with the past.  This includes both honoring the goodness we have experienced as well as taking actions such as forgiving (ourselves and others), seeing, accepting and apologizing for mistakes we have made, and simply accepting what was and what can no longer be and can not be changed.  In other words, we have to complete with and let go of what was.

"Resentment is the poison I drink, hoping you'll die" - Nelson Mandela

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past" - Source Unknown

In addition to completing with the past and putting the past in the past, making successful transitions requires us to embrace uncertainty for this is part of life.  Thus in spite of the uncertainty, fears, worries, we must daily muster up our inner strength and show up and take new action for it is only action that moves us forward.  Furthermore, whenever we strive to create something new, we are bound to make mistakes, to fail, and to experience set-backs. Therefore it also important we see these as not personal failures but rather as opportunities to learn, to grow, and to course correct.  These are the stepping stones that lead us to a new future.

Yet we often don't know what we can do, what actions to take.  And even when we do we experience self-doubt and wonder if we can really do it.  In this regards what I have come to see is that we each are Instruments of Possibilities (IPs). By this I mean we are like the computers and what we can do is a function of what we have programmed ourselves to do.  So if we want to create and achieve something new in life, we have to reprogram ourselves--install a new software--and this is very doable, if we allow it.  And for this reprogramming to occur, we have to be first willing to allow removal of the old program and them embrace the new program and the possibilities that are associated with it.  This then sets the stage for the new programming, new beginning, new learning to begin.

In the human sense, we have to be willing to let go of who and what no longer serves us, declare ourselves as beginners again and take steps to enter into new learning for new learning allows us to see new possibilities and to take new action, which is required in order to achieve new results.  In addition, we must step into a new field consisting of new relationships, and invent and participate in new conversations.  By doing so, over time with enough time and practice and rigor, we begin to achieve new results and in the process literally become someone new.  And all this begins with first letting go of what was and fully embracing what is and what can be.

“Perhaps that is where our choice lies -- in determining how we will meet the inevitable end of things, and how we will greet each new beginning.”-- Elana Arnold, Burning

Are You Flying Blind?

Have you ever had an experience similar to this?  It's late in the day and your day has been spent in some very important meetings with some very important people.  Then as the day comes to an end, a close colleague whom you run into points out that you have spinach stuck in your teeth, or your zipper is down, or some other malfunction?  In essence, you were blind to the situation whereas it was clearly visible to others?

If you're like most people, immediately upon hearing this you feel mortified and embarrassed.  You replay in your mind all the people you have met since say lunch and you wonder if they noticed and what they must be thinking of you.  You also wish someone had pointed this out to you earlier so you could have corrected the situation.

Now let's reverse the situation.  Now let's say you're the one who runs into Joe and you see spinach stuck in his teeth, or his zipper undone, or some other malfunction.  And let's pretend this person is your manager or someone with whom you don't work very closely or you don't know very well.  Or say someone of the opposite gender.  In such instances, do you point such mishaps out to the other person?

If you're like many people, you feel uncomfortable, you fidget, and you silently carry on an inner battle wondering if you should tell, or you shouldn't? But in the end, you decide to keep quiet for it's too uncomfortable to give such feedback, even though it would be for the benefit of the other.  Then after you leave, you still for sometime continue to wonder if you should have said something.  On the inside you feel conflicted, wondering what you should have done.  And all along the person caries on oblivious to the impact they are having on others and themselves - classic case of Bull-In-A-Shop.

My experience is that most people find it very uncomfortable to give direct feedback, especially as it relates to our conduct (behavior), even thought it would be for the benefit of both the individual involved and for the organization as a whole.  This is particularly true where higher ups are involved, or someone say who is a highly valued team member given his/her exceptional abilities and contributions to the organization.

Why is this?  Here are 5 most common reasons:

1. We want to be liked.  Thus we don't like to deliver such news.
2. We don't want to hurt the person.  We fear that if they don't take the feedback well, they may disengage, or even decide to quite.  And if they did, who then will do the important work that needs to get done?  Along similar lines specially if we perceive the individual to be fragile, we fear that if our feedback is not taken well, they may hurt themselves in some manner.
3.  We don't want to be hurt by the person.  We fear that if our feedback, no matter how well intentioned, if it is not well received, it may lead to conflict and make it more difficult to work together.  So why take a chance, why rock the boat.
4. We feel it's not our place to say something.  This is specially so if it involves higher ups, peers, and co-workers.
5. In the event if we perceive someone as a tough nut and as if they don't listen, or they have a reputation for shooting the messenger, we then say to ourselves "why bother, they won't change anyways".

With this said, if you want honest feedback, one great way to get it is to authentically ask and give permission to others to give you feedback.  If you do that, more people are likely to give you honest feedback, provided you listen to it without getting defensive, and you don't punish the messenger.

The other way, and a more effective way in my experience, is to have a 3rd party who is viewed as objective and neutral gather the feedback on your behalf.  This is because people will often give more candid feedback to a neutral 3rd party rather then directly to the person involved, provided their identities will not be revealed.

Whatever you do, I suggest you actively seek feedback.  For it is much better to know then to fly blind and one day crashing and burning and all the while being left wondering where you went wrong.  As I always say, feedback is a gift, and that it's better to know then not to know. So go ahead, make the ask, and then you'll be flying with your eyes wide open and thus can course correct as it makes sense.

Habits: Absent vs. Present

There are certain habits (behaviors) the absence of which no one notices.  For not having them one does not get any recognition, no rewards, no atta-boys (or atta-girls).  They simply go unnoticed.  On the flip side, presence of these very same habits has quite the opposite effect.  When they exist, nearly everyone notices, and often everyone except the one who is exhibiting those behaviors.  And because they can be difficult to point out and who after all wants to rock-the-boat, people often don't point them out.  Instead, they simply begin to avoid and move away from the person with such habits.

These habits when in excess can and do lead to damaged public identifies, damaged relationships, and reduced effectiveness and success--both at home and at work.  Furthermore, especially at higher levels, they even derail careers and future prospects. This is because the higher one rises, the more behavior matters and it's what often separates the good from the great.

What are some of these habits?

Below in this post I share some of the most common ones that exist in the workplace.  Thankfully though no single person has all or most of these.  At most they may exhibit 1 or 2 or 3.  Even though few in number, they are often enough to cause significant damage.  Thus it's important to understand what they are, to look out for them, and address them if they exist.

Let's take a look at what some of the most common ones are:

• Not keeping up-to-date on required skills and knowledge
• Poor personal hygiene and grooming and inappropriate attire
• Excessive need to be right..always thinking you have the right answer and the only answer...my way or the highway approach
• Poor at managing commitments...letting things fall through the cracks
• Failing to admit mistakes...making excuses...passing the buck...blaming others...not accepting personal responsibility
• Making destructive comments...being argumentative....talking harshly and disrespectfully...shutting down discussions...gossiping and spreading rumors
• Hurrying through conversations...not listening...constantly interrupting cutting the speaker off...taking over conversations
• Not being open to new ideas and new ways of doing things...focusing only on what's been done before...limiting discussion as a result
• Withholding information...not communicating or sharing information...keeping others in the dark
• Not expressing gratitude or giving proper recognition...not sharing and celebrating success with team members
• Failing to express regrets...failing to say I am sorry and apologizing when needed
• Taking credit for other people's work...claiming credit that's not deserved
• Playing favorites...shooting the messenger
• Emotionally unstable...getting easily upset...being moody...speaking when angry...being unapproachable
• Micromanaging...over controlling and meddling...getting too much into the weeds
• Making threatening and condescending remarks...publicly humiliating others...talking down to people...making snippy comments at expense of others in order to try to look good and to try to show how smart you are
• Being closed to new learning...not being open to feedback and to learning and growing
• Being overly judgmental...seeing only the negative in others
• Not seeing multiple perspectives before making important decisions...jumping to conclusions and making dis-empowering assumptions
• Constantly complaining rather than taking ownership...being overly focused on problems, on what's not right, on why something won't work as opposed to striving to find solutions, on what's right, and on how to make it work...being Mr. Negative...Ms. Debbie Downer
• Not being available for team members when they need you
• Putting personal agendas ahead of team and organizational goals

Now that you know what some of the most common ones are, take a honest look in the mirror.  If you are exhibiting any of these behaviors, I urge you to get help sooner then later.  This is because unbeknownst to you, the presence of these habits could be sabotaging your relationships, your career, your effectiveness, and your success -- all the while leaving you wondering why people keep avoiding and leaving you and why you're not getting the results you say you want.  You can break these habits, if you choose to.

Intention vs. Impact

Julie works for a national association and she is an expert in her profession.  Given her extensive in-depth experience and knowledge, she is quick to identify problems before they become problems.  Given her penchant for identifying gaps quickly, whenever any new initiatives are brought up in meetings, she is quick to point out why they won’t work, as planned.  While Julie thinks she is being helpful and preventing future breakdowns, her colleagues think she is being a pessimist, and they feel she constantly throws cold water on their ideas--and as a result they feel its exhausting to work with her.

  

Mark is a newcomer to a start-up organization that is entrepreneurial, and is staffed with go-getters, many who are much younger to him.  He comes from a very large organization and has significant experience that includes running operations, developing strategy, and business development.  Mark deeply cares about this organization given its mission to help people.  As he observes his colleagues going about their days with little systems and processes in place, he asks them questions about what they are working on and offers his (unsolicited) advice.  Given his passion to serve, Mark thinks he is generously sharing his expertise and experience to help his co-workers succeed and moving the organization forward.  His colleagues think he is checking-up on them and meddling in their business.   Silently they wish he would mind his own business and overtime they begin to resent him.

 

Rajeev had been a rising star throughout much of his career. He has strong analytical skills, can manage numerous projects at the same time, and is a “make it happen” kind of a guy.  He loves to move fast and get things done.  Whatever needs to be accomplished, he goes after it with determination.  The drive to succeed in him is strong and he does whatever it takes (within moral and ethical bounds of course) to "win the gold".  When he then entered a new company as a manager, where he was hired based on his past successes, after sometime he began feel as if his team members didn’t really seem to like working with him.  In this organization, collaboration was highly valued and Rajeev had come from an organization where the culture was very different.  As a result, his team members would avoid him and they even started to complain to the higher up saying they didn’t like working for him.  Rajeev all along thought he was trying to deliver results and move the team forward, while his team members viewed him as being pushy, aggressive, unfriendly, and abrasive even.

  

In each of these cases (all real…only names have been changed), Julie, Mark, and Rajeev saw themselves through the lens of their intentions while others saw them through the lens of observed behaviors.  And since colleagues did not have access to intentions, they would judge through observed behaviors and in the process labeled them all as difficult to work with. 

 

It is also that in each case, while these 3 individuals were all bright, talented, had strong technical and functional competencies, were great at execution, and were experts in their respective professions, the way they were being perceived by their team members, peers, and managers was negatively impacting their careers and their future opportunities.  In one case, the individual was even at the risk of being let go.  And all along all three were blind to how they were being perceived, and they wondered what was keeping them from moving to the next level and why co-workers didn’t seem to like working with them. 

 

Finally, when they took the courageous step seek help to understand what was getting in their way and took necessary steps to adjust some of their behaviors (how they were doing what they were doing), they each then began to move forward, and new opportunities began to open up for them.  And for this to happen, they had to first be willing to seek out and be open to hearing honest feedback (even though it came as a shock when they first heard it), than accept the feedback, and then do something about it.  Looking back each of them remains thankful for having done so.  Thus lesson here is that recognizing how others view you can help you begin to pave the way towards stronger relationships and greater achievements.  And not doing so can have quite the opposite undesired effect.

 

So, with the above in mind, do you know how you are being perceived?  Is it possible that one or more of your behaviors could be keeping you stuck, from getting to the next level, from other opportunities?

Their Perception - Your Reality

As a coach, from time to time I conduct interviews to gather 360-Feedback in support of individuals growth and development. In great majority of the cases, this involves individuals who have a very high degree of technical and functional competency and at the same time they are perceived as lets say less developed when it comes to their interpersonal skills.  In other words while they are very good at their work, they are highly productive, and they know their stuff, colleagues find them difficult to work with.  They, often unknowingly, cause great degree of emotional damage to others for they rub their colleagues the wrong way.  They are individuals with whom you prefer not to work with and yet you can't and are even afraid to be without 'em given their expertise and performance.  Left unaddressed, overtime they cause a decrease in morale, overall productivity, and even good people to leave.  One day a time finally comes where the situation becomes just too unbearable and it can no longer be ignored.  That's when I get called in.

Now, most of the time when I deliver the feedback it goes pretty well.  While they may have a few surprises, being the high achievers that they are, they are generally committed to getting better, and therefore they welcome the feedback.  This is because they believe it’s better to know than not to know, for once they know they can then do something about it if they so choose.  It beats being in the blind all the while wondering why you’re not getting some of the results you want.

Sometimes though, I face someone who wants to argue with the feedback. The argument can take many forms from “they don’t understand” to “they are wrong.”  After letting them vent, my response is usually something like this - “You may be right and they may be wrong. But you know what, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because people interact with who they think you are, not with who you think you are. And how others perceive you can and does directly impact what opportunities become available to you, and which ones don’t.  And that in turn directly impacts the quality of your results and your future.”  I’ve yet to have anyone argue with this.  

On a related note, a key point to note here is that to a great degree how you are perceived by others is directly connected to the quality of your conversations that you engage in.  This is because much of organizational work tends to be conversational in nature.  So what you say, how you say it (e.g. tonality, facial expressions, gestures), as well as what you don’t say matters and has a direct impact on your public identity.  

Another observation I have is that high achievers when they receive feedback often want to change everything.  This is not necessary, nor realistically possible.  Instead, whenever you take on the work of becoming a more effective individual, a more effective leader, in regards to changing you usually will want to focus on changing ONLY one behavior, or two at most, that will make the biggest difference.  And at the same time, you also need to focus on changing the perceptions that others have of you.  This is crucial because you work and lead in a system full of people, your overall effectiveness and success depends as much on changing their perception of you as on changing your actual behavior.  

With the above in mind, here are three points to keep in mind as you strive to change:

1.    You have to change some behavior: You can’t change perceptions without changing some behavior. Start with something that’s easy to do and likely to make a significant difference. You’ll be amazed at how much leverage you can get from relatively simple/small changes.  For example, let’s say you are perceived as not listening and as constantly cutting people off.  Then simply keeping your lips shut while others are talking and letting them finish their statements before speaking will make a big difference in how you are perceived.  

2.    You have to help people see the new you: Don’t wait for people to notice the change, at least right away, because they may not.  And even if they do, at first they may be skeptical and wonder what you’re up to and how long the new you will last.  Plus more often than not they are generally too busy and preoccupied with their own stuff.  So you have to “advertise” and let them know that you are trying to change and what you’re working on changing.   And from time to time, you also must ask them how you’re doing in making the change.  This lets them know you are serious about changing and when you slip back to the old you at times, which I guarantee will happen from time to time, they will forgive you and give you the benefit of doubt.  If they give you additional feedback, again as I shared earlier, you simply respond with something like “thank you”, or “tell me more” or “please help me better understand what you just shared”.  But whatever you do, please never ever never get defensive or argue with the feedback.  Finally, when one day when they tell you to stop asking how you’re doing and that you’re doing just fine, this means you have been successful in changing their perceptions of your behavior.

3.    You must be patient: Don’t expect people’s perceptions of you to change overnight. Particularly if they have known you for a long time.  It takes people awhile to see you in a new light as change in perception almost always lags actual change in behavior.  So keep at it and be patient.  At minimum give it several months.

 

But I Am Right!

The other day I quietly observed a parent-child conversation.  From what I noticed, this is a relationship where both deeply love and care for each other.  The conversation went back and forth about who is taller. After watching this for some time, I decided to jump in and ask, how does it matter who is taller.  As soon as I finished, I heard this immediate reply "But I am Right".

As I later reflected on this, I wondered: Where in our growth and development it happens that we get so set on being right and making sure others know that?  Then as we go through life, how often is it that we get so caught up in proving we're right that we lose sight of the bigger picture and what truly matters, and what does being right cost us in comparison to the benefits? What would our lives be like if we focused less on our being right and instead more on making others right?  And if we couldn't or were not able to help make others right, atleast just stop focusing so much on making sure others know we're right? 

Afterall, who do you want to be around?  Someone who is constantly trying to prove they are right? Or someone who supports you and acknowledges that you are right?

Are You Behaving Like a Fly?

In the book You2, author Price Pritchett shares a story of a fly.  Pritchett one day observes a fly frantically buzzing around the room looking for a way out.  After buzzing around for some time, the fly sees a window and heads straight for it.  Not noticing the clear windowpane it slams into it and falls to the floor.

After some time it gets up, again starts to frantically buzz around, again slams into the windowpane, and again falls down.  This behavior repeats until the fly finally runs out of energy, collapses, and dies.

What the fly did not notice all the while is that right next to the closed window, was an open door.  Had it slightly shifted and saw the open door, it would have flown right out of the room.

As with this fly, how often do we become so set in our ways and continue to do the same thing even though it does not yield results we desire?  And in spite of all signs pointing to the need for us change, we simply refuse to?

So like this fly should have, what do you need to change?  What's the one shift you need to make that will move you forward and get you what you desire?

To Speak, or Not to Speak!

I have noticed that each time I have gotten what I want, its because I said something.  I have also noticed that whenever I have gotten what I don't want, its then also because I said something. 

Indeed its true that it is through language we create and generate our future.

How about for you?  What have you noticed in regards to your relationship between what and how you say what you say and the results you achieve in your life?  And what do you need to say (or not say) today to create the future you want tomorrow?

Just Stop It - The Sequal!

Several months ago, I asked a CEO whom I greatly respect, what can one do to become more effective?  His reply was "do more of what works and less of what doesn't".  The more I reflected on his response, the more I realized how profound his words were.

I than asked myself, where does one start.  Focusing more on doing more of what works, or less of what doesn't?  The more I thought about this, and seeing how stretched and stressed many of our lives are already, the more I came to see that if we simply stop doing what doesn't work, that alone will help us increase our effectiveness.  Not only will this give us more space in our lives, which I believe is important to our well-being, it will also allow us to focus more of our time, energy and resources on what does work.

With this said, here are some suggestions:

1. Look at your To Do List and your calendar.  What do you have on there that no longer makes sense.  Once you have identified these items, just stop 'em.  In-terms of previous commitments, as far as possible, renegotiate them.  You can do this.  It's OK. 
2. Look at your various involvements. For example projects, committees, and other initiatives.  For those that no longer make sense, find a way to let them go.
3. Consider the people with whom you interact.  Among them, do you have individuals with negative attitudes, who continue to suck up your time, energy and resources, leaving you drained and tired?  These often are the people who also don't help you move forward in any significant way and they refuse to change.  I say move 'em on.  The more I see and experience as I go about my days the more wisdom I see in the statement "Sometimes its easier to change people than it is to change people".  

Look, this is your life and you get to choose.  So if you agree with what I have shared in this post, than follow the suggestions listed above.  Whatever no longer works and doesn't move you forward, simply Just Stop It!

Just Stop It!

I am returning to my blog after nearly six months.  On the professional front, I have been very busy with my participating in Georgetown University's Leadership Coaching Program as well as coaching emerging leaders, executives and professionals who are wanting to become more effective, get to the next level, while achieving greater work/life balance.

Through my work, I have come to an important realization, both through self-observation as well as observing and coaching others.  It is this. Achieving happiness and success in life is often less a function of what we say, and instead more a function of what we don't say.  In other words, when we simply stop saying and doing things that annoy and irritate others, that itself leads us to experiencing greater joy and success.

How is that?

Since we achieve what we want to achieve mostly by and through working with others, strong relationships become very important.  Therefore, it is not just nice but critical that we stop saying or doing anything that negatively impacts our valued relationships.  This includes for example, stopping:

• Interrupting others when they are talking
• Making negative remarks about others
• Making hurtful comments
• Using inappropriate language
• Putting people on the spot, calling them out in front of others
• Rolling eyes, smacking lips, drumming figures, and other similar behaviors that publicly and openly convey disapproval and impatience
• Making others wrong
• Putting others down 
• Trying to show how smart we are and how much we know, especially when done at the expense of others
• Passing judgement
• Speaking when upset and angry
• Making excuses
• Needless arguing and trying to prove we're right

These are just some examples of what I am referring to.  So the next time you get the urge to say something, stop for a moment and ask yourself, why am I talking?  Is what I want to say really worth it?  Will it truly help the other?

Whenever in doubt, my guidance is to "Just Stop It".

An Introvert's 5-Step Process to Becoming A Better Listener!

I was recently asked, "How do I become a better listener?"  Given that I find many who are so busy running their mouths and pushing to get their points heard, I wonder at times if talking is a national sport that I don't know about.

Becoming a great listener is really a very simple process, yet one that's not always so easy to follow.  It's a process many introverts are naturally great at and with practice, even talkative ones can master it, if they choose to. Here it is:

1. Stop doing what you're doing
2. Make gentle eye contact (not stare)
3. Open your ears
4. Shut your mouth, and keep it shut. Do not interrupt.
5. When the person finishes saying what they want to say, before responding, pause for a few moments. Similarly, after you ask a question, remain silent giving the other person time they need to formulate their thoughts and respond.  Silence is a very powerful force that's very much a critical part of being a great listener.

Now you may ask what do you do when you're in the middle of something that you absolutely must attend to right then, and someone comes into your office and starts talking.  I can totally relate to this for at times I am in the middle of a deep thought and someone just walks in and starts talking without first asking me if I have a moments to chat.  It really bugs me.

For such moments, when I really am not able to give undivided attention, or don't want to get away from what I am focused on, I have learned to say something like: "I really want to hear what you have to say.  If it can wait just a bit, may I please finish this and then I'll be able to provide you my undivided attention."  I find people appreciate and respect this.  Plus, it's a better option then trying to do what you're doing and at the same trying to listen.  Just not possible and no one feels satisfied in such an exchange. You end up feeling stressed and the other person generally ends up thinking you're insensitive (or some other choice words they use for such instances) for your not paying attention to them. 

(I must come clean here though and admit that I have been there, trying to do both, and in the process having been labeled as such.  Just ask my wife and my kids, who are my 3 biggest supporters and also my biggest critics. Trust me, they don't mince words.)

On the flip side, this also means that when you have something to say, before going right into your spiel, ask the other person first if they have a few moments. Only if they say yes, then go into what you want to say.  If they say no, not right now, respect their space and come back to them at another time.

Go ahead, give it a try.

Introverts: Do You Ever Feel Like Something is Wrong With You?

Back in January 2010, I wrote a post entitled "Workplace Challenges Being an Introvert". In response, one of my blog readers recently shared:

"I'm such an introvert, and recently was told by my brother that I'm "wrong" for not talking to my relatives the way he does...I'm just not talkative, but of course that comes off as "bitchy"..I've been criticized for being quiet for a decade (I'm 21), and it's terrible to have to go through that, feeling like something is "wrong with you"...when actually, I'm a nice, friendly person with deep, meaningful thoughts...sometimes I don't know what to do with myself."

First of all, if you're an introvert, I am sure this resonates.  If it does, rest assured that there is nothing wrong with you.  Unfortunately, given how we introverts are wired, we often come off as such to those who don't understand us.  What varies are the choice of words used to describe us. Yet underlying messages are similar. And in each instance we feel misjudged.

Having said that, we have a choice.  Do we want to continue to go through life being misjudged, defending how we are,while remaining silent and "hiding" behind "that's how we are?"  Or do we want to do something about it?  If you choose the later, here's something for you to think about, and then do.

Next time someone misjudges you, why not first thank them for they have given you invaluable feedback.  Secondly, ask them "What's the one thing you could say or do differently, so that you don't come off as...bitchy...aloof...arrogant...disengaged...?  If you genuinely ask for guidance, people will provide it to you, from a good place.

By doing so you will gain valuable actionable guidance, and then you can accordingly adjust your behavior as needed for the given situation.  And you can do this in a way that doesn't negate who you are while at the same time communicating to others the real authentic caring nice person that you are on the inside.

Now, if you were to choose this path, which you can for many things in life are acts of will, and therefore doable once you put your mind to it, what would your relationships, personal and professional, look like?  What obstacles would be removed?  What opportunities would become available to you?  In a nutshell, what would become possible for you?

So, with this said, which path do you choose? 

5 Reasons God Made Introverts!

Being a quiet type, growing up I used to think something is wrong with me.  At gatherings it appeared talkative ones were the popular ones.  As for me, I would mostly sit quietly observing and listening as others chatted away.  So many times I used to wish I had the gift of the gab as those who could make small talk at the drop of a hat had.  While my brain would be active, listening with curiosity.  While I can focus intensely and think deeply, when it comes to making small talk, I seem to blank out.  All the while I would sit there feeling self-imposed internal pressure that I should also be saying something but then wouldn't know what to say.  Somehow talking for the sake of talking still doesn't come naturally to me, and frankly superficial conversations don't interest me either.

Then it occurred to me that at the very basic level, God created two kinds of people.  There are those who are mainly talkers, and then there are the listeners. Why is that you ask?  Imagine for a moment if we all were talkers.  Then who would we talk to?  On the flip side, if we had mainly listeners, then who would we listen to?  With this realization, I accepted that I am the listening type and others are the talker types.  And we both need each other.

In our society, broadly speaking, talkers are thought of as extroverts and listeners as introvert. With this said, I wondered, while we introverts don't talk much, what do we do that makes us special?  Why did God make us for He doesn't make anything without a purpose?  As I reflected on these questions, 5 overarching reasons came to my mind. They are:

• Natural Listeners: Have you ever wanted, needed to talk to someone who would give you undivided attention, really listen to what you have to say without interrupting or cutting you off, patiently take the time to understand you and your views?  This is one of the areas where introverts really shine because since they are not talkers, they are naturally great at listening, both to what you say and also to what you don't say.

• Discoverers and Problem Solvers: When I think about many of the scientists, researchers, engineers, mathematicians, technology types, I find many of them are introverts.  They have immense patience to quietly persist, focus intensely, think in depth and pay attention to the smallest details as well as at the same time see the big picture and the interconnectedness.  They can go in great depths in to specific subjects and stick to it for long long periods of time, which is what is often required to come up with something new, and to solve complex problems.  In fact, my observation is that many of our subject matter experts, particularly in technical and scientific areas, tend to be introverts.

• Knowledge Bearers and Sharers: I find many introverts, possessing strong writing skills, patiently sit at their computers putting out journal articles, blog posts, publications, books and so on.  All this serves to educate and inform.  That in turn influences decisions, actions and ultimately outcomes for many.

• Natures Glue: Introverts in my experience don't like too much change.  As result, whether it has to do for example with a job, a project, relationship, a business, introverts prefer to stick.  Having the desire for predictability and stability, they prefer to stay for long periods and as a result serve as a stabilizing force.  They also serve as a calming presence for they don't get overly excited too easily, and they tend to think before they talk.  In today's uncertain fast changing climate, such calmness that introverts naturally exude is so welcomed and so refreshing, at least to me as an introvert.

• Strong Long-Range Planners:  Introverts don't tend to jump into new areas very quickly.  While this can be a disadvantage in crisis situations (areas where I find extroverts tend to be stronger), when it comes to long-range planning, creating order out of chaos, solving complex problems, introverts are generally very strong.  They can patiently think ahead, develop and analyze options, identify gaps and problem areas before they become costly mistakes, and come up with solutions and alternative approaches. Many times because they are such patient thinkers, they have the strong ability to also sit back, reflect, see the big picture and identify how various pieces connect. 

So if you're an introvert, feel great about yourself for you have so many reasons to be thankful for being one.  And for the introverts you know, please share this with them and thank them for the goodness they bring into all of our lives.  Thank you.

Introverts: Your Time Has Now Come!

For the longest time, primary means of communication, achieving visibility, and establishing credibility and personal brand involved mostly verbal communication, which is extroverts' natural strengths.  These means included telephone conversations, face-to-face meetings and networking, and speaking.

While there were means of written communication available, such as writing articles for newsletters and magazines, given the costs, time involved in publishing, and limited available space, getting published was time consuming and not as readily available.  Thus putting introverts at a great disadvantage given their preference for the written words.

Today however situation is very different and it is very favorable to us introverts.  This is because majority of business, and even personal, communication now takes place via means that require writing, which is introverts preferred means of communication and their natural strength .  These means include email, electronic discussion groups, social media platforms such as Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, blogs, electronic newsletters, self-publishing, to name just a few.

These widely available, inexpensive, and easy to use platforms combined with introverts natural ability to think deeply,  communicate complex concepts and ideas through witting provides us introverts great opportunities to share our knowledge, our expertise. Thus positioning us as the experts and the go-to-people for solutions.  By taking advantage of these means and taking time to share what we know, we now have the means and the power readily available to us to develop immense networks and establish strong personal brands via means that play to our natural strengths.

Therefore introverts, your time has now come to shine and get to the top. Leverage these modern means to establish your personal brands that will serve you well.  The way I see it, I can't think of a better time for us introverts then now.  Given this, what next step will you take to increase your visibility, establish firmly your personal brand, and to take your turn to be at the top? 

Introverts: Have You Ever Felt Misunderstood?

Have you ever been asked these types of questions?

• You OK?
• Is everything alright?
• Are you angry, upset about something?
• Something bothering you?

Have you ever been labeled as:

• Distant
• Loner
• Scary
• Intense
• Cold
• Loser
• Impersonal
• Aloof
• Quiet as a Mouse
• Slow
• Hesitant
• Picky
• Dull
• Anti-Social
• Not a team player
• Low energy
• Boring

If you're an introvert like me, I am sure this resonates for when you have been asked such questions and mislabeled as such, deep down you feel so misunderstood.  I know, for I have been there. And I must admit that hasn't necessarily felt good.

Good news is that there is something you can do about it.  You can overcome these perceptions by your starting to take one simple action.  While at first this action may feel uncomfortable for some, know that you can do it, and it may even impact your life in a very positive way.  Here it is:

As you run into your friends, family, work colleagues, and other people in general, rather then looking away, make a conscious effort to look at the them, or at least towards them, and say something letting them know you acknowledge their presence.  For example, assume this person you run into is named John.  When you and John approach each other, take the lead and say something like this:

• Hello John
• Good Morning John
• Have a great day John
• How was your weekend?
• Take care guy.  Have a great day

When you don't know the person, still say something simple like "Good Morning" or "Hi There".  You get the idea.  And look, it's not that complicated. You just have to look at, or towards the person and move your lips and make a simple sound.  It's this easy and it's very doable.  If I can do it, someone who was once labeled as quiet as a mouse, you can do it.

Warning:  Initially this new action of yours may shock some people. They may even wonder what you're up to, what ever happened to you, or what you been smokin'.  But that's OK.  Let 'em guess.  Go ahead, have some fun with this.  :)

You see, reality is that we introverts do acknowledge others but we often do it in our heads. As a result, others don't know that and therefore we introverts get misjudged and mislabeled. Frankly speaking, we bring it onto ourselves.  So the choice is yours.  You can continue down the same old path or you can take the bull by the horn and make the shift by starting to take small yet powerful steps as suggested above to begin to connect, and reap the rewards that follow.

So, what will you choose?

The 3-Step Program to Take Back Control of Your Time!

As I move about and talk to various people, I see so many who seem to be constantly feeling overwhelmed.  As I do, I ask myself:

• What are these people so busy doing?  
• When do they have time to think?
• How is what they're doing helping them and their organizations move forward in a significant way?
• Is some of what they're doing possible to simplify, automate, delegate, or perhaps just stop doing all together?  If they did, would anyone miss it?  Would their be any noticeable impact?

The more I thought about this, the more I realized how important focusing is. Focusing on things that matter, that have the greatest impact, that move you and your organization forward in significant ways, and stop doing things that don't. 

The questions then arose in my mind were while this sounds nice, where does one begin to take back control one's schedule, and what's the process by which one would regain greater focus and control?  As I reflected on this, what surfaced in my thoughts is what I will refer to as The CI Model (CIM).  Image is above.

In CIM, there are 4 Boxes.  They are:

• Box 1: Important/No Control 
• Box 2: Important/Control
• Box 3: Not Important/No Control
• Box 4: Not Important/Control

 As to what I mean by these terms, it is as follows:

• Important: Activities that move you, your team, and your organization forward in a significant way towards established goals.  These are activities that have significant pay off in comparison to time and resources invested.
• Not Important: Activities that don't move you forward towards established goals in any significant manner. These are things that take up physical and mental resources yet payoff is relatively small, if any at all, considering the effort and time investment.
• Control: These are activities that must be done by you given your expertise and qualifications.  In addition, you get to decide whether these are to be done, or not done, how they are to be done, and when.
• No Control: These are things that fall on your plate but they don't need to be done necessarily by you, if they need to be done at all in the first place.

If you agree with this so far, below are the 3 steps to follow to take back control of your schedule and focus on what matters most. The time you invest in doing this will more then pay off in freed up time and resources. In other words, time investment will be relatively small in comparison to pay off in the long-run. Here are the 3 steps:

Step 1: Do a brain dump.  Empty your brain. Write down everything that is on your plate right now.
Step 2: Move each of the items you have listed into appropriate boxes within the CIM.
Step 3: For items listed within each box, do as follows:

• Box No. 4 - Immediately stop doing it.
• Box No. 3 - First, question if this needs to be done at all.  If not, stop it.  If it does for some reason, renegotiate with whoever assigned this to you, to get it moved off your plate.  If you can't get it off your plate, look for ways to streamline it, automate it.
• Box No. 2 - As much as possible, focus your time and energy in this box for this will lead to greatest impact. The more you focus here, the more you and your organization benefit.
• Box No. 1 - Its important to do this work but its not necessary that you do it.  Therefore try to get it off your plate and look for someone else who can do this, both to free up your time and that it could serve to develop an upcoming colleague who could benefit by taking this on. 

Go ahead, give this a go.  This will help you not only take back control of your time (and your life), it'll also help you remain focused, in control, and lead to greater gains for you, your team, and your organization.  Everyone will win.

Say Yes to No, to Kick Start the New Year!

US President Obama carried his campaign on the slogan "Yes We Can!"  Growing up "Can Do Attitude" was drilled into us.  There are numerous books on "Getting to Yes".   On and on it goes.  With all this emphasis on "yes", whatever happened to "no"?  I think it's feeling left out.  And come to think of it, what's wrong with saying "No We Can't", "Getting to No", and having a "No Can Do Attitude"?  After all, isn't saying no just as powerful as saying yes? 

By saying yes to so many things, don't we often begin to feel like we're not living a life that is our own?  Don't we end up taking on so many things that don't energize us, don't fulfill us, cause us to lose focus, and don't move us forward towards what we want? So why do we say yes so often?

Now look, I have nothing against the word yes.  It's a perfectly fine word.  But just because it has one one more letter, doesn't make it better.  So isn't it time we honor and give "no" the respect it also deserves?  

If you agree with this, I invite you for a moment to stop doing whatever you're doing right now.  Spend some time in quiet reflection and list out all that is on your plate.  Then ask yourself, of all those things you just listed, which ones can you stop doing right now.  What can you say no to.  Then take the next step.  That is stop doing it.  Just say no.  It's that simple.

For as you do, you'll discover that it'll free you up to say yeses to the things that truly matter.  You'll become more focused, more effective, more joyful by saying yes to things that move you forward and no to things that don't.  At the end of the day, isn't that what you really want?

Yes?  No?

*****

P.S. If you're leading teams, I encourage you to share this with each of your team members and ask them to do the same.  Imagine how many valuable resources will get freed up which you can then redirect to doing more of what will move you and your organization forward.

Can Introverts Lead?

Given that society seems to correlate outgoing personality with leadership ability, many introverts question in silence if they'll ever be considered for leadership positions, and if they were, would they even make good leaders.

I recall in a session I was conducting, couple of introverts asked me if they should just stick to technical work since they are introverts.  And another one of my blog readers who is an introvert recently wrote to me saying that it seems organizations consider extroverts more talented. 

As I see it, introverts can and do lead, and they can do it well.  In fact, in today's turbulent rapidly changing times, I believe introverts bring a sense of calmness which is so in need.  Furthermore, according to Jennifer Kahnweiler, author of The Introverted Leader, nearly 40% of leaders actually are introverted.  While this is good to know, as many of my blog readers are introverts, I wanted more information to share here as to why introverts too can and do make great leaders. 

With that said, I refer here to an article that was published in the June 2004 issue of Harvard Business Review.  Article entitled is "What Makes a Leader?" by Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More then IQ.  In the article, Goleman shares 5 key skills that enable leaders to maximize their own and their followers' performance.  He also states that when leaders posses these characteristics, they outperform those who don't, regardless of their personality type.

These 5 skills, along with how Goleman defines them, are:

1. Self-awareness: Knowing one's emotions, strengths, weaknesses, drivers, values, and goals-and their impact on others. 
2. Self-Regulation: Controlling or redirecting disruptive emotions and impulses.
3. Motivation: Being driven to achieve for the sake of achievement.
4. Empathy: Considering others' feelings, especially when making decisions.
5. Social Skills: Managing relationships to move people in desired directions.

I believe you will agree that possessing these is certainly far less a matter of one's personality type and instead more to do with one's own development.  With that said, again, introverts can and do lead.  So for you introverts, take heart and stop doubting your leadership abilities.  If you possess skills such as those listed above, you too can lead.  And if you don't have these just yet, you can certainly work towards developing them. 

Having said the above, it's point number 5, social skills, where many introverts tend to be challenged.  In the coming year I will share some simple tips that are easy to apply and yet very effective in further developing social skills and through it building strong relationships.  So be keeping a look out for these upcoming posts.