An Introvert's 5-Step Process to Becoming A Better Listener!

I was recently asked, "How do I become a better listener?"  Given that I find many who are so busy running their mouths and pushing to get their points heard, I wonder at times if talking is a national sport that I don't know about.

Becoming a great listener is really a very simple process, yet one that's not always so easy to follow.  It's a process many introverts are naturally great at and with practice, even talkative ones can master it, if they choose to. Here it is:

1. Stop doing what you're doing
2. Make gentle eye contact (not stare)
3. Open your ears
4. Shut your mouth, and keep it shut. Do not interrupt.
5. When the person finishes saying what they want to say, before responding, pause for a few moments. Similarly, after you ask a question, remain silent giving the other person time they need to formulate their thoughts and respond.  Silence is a very powerful force that's very much a critical part of being a great listener.

Now you may ask what do you do when you're in the middle of something that you absolutely must attend to right then, and someone comes into your office and starts talking.  I can totally relate to this for at times I am in the middle of a deep thought and someone just walks in and starts talking without first asking me if I have a moments to chat.  It really bugs me.

For such moments, when I really am not able to give undivided attention, or don't want to get away from what I am focused on, I have learned to say something like: "I really want to hear what you have to say.  If it can wait just a bit, may I please finish this and then I'll be able to provide you my undivided attention."  I find people appreciate and respect this.  Plus, it's a better option then trying to do what you're doing and at the same trying to listen.  Just not possible and no one feels satisfied in such an exchange. You end up feeling stressed and the other person generally ends up thinking you're insensitive (or some other choice words they use for such instances) for your not paying attention to them. 

(I must come clean here though and admit that I have been there, trying to do both, and in the process having been labeled as such.  Just ask my wife and my kids, who are my 3 biggest supporters and also my biggest critics. Trust me, they don't mince words.)

On the flip side, this also means that when you have something to say, before going right into your spiel, ask the other person first if they have a few moments. Only if they say yes, then go into what you want to say.  If they say no, not right now, respect their space and come back to them at another time.

Go ahead, give it a try.

Why Do You Work? What Moves You?

• What gets you pumped, energized, jumping into action?
  
• What gets you out of bed each morning?
• What gets your team members out of bed each morning?
• What would it be like if you and each your team members knew and each were doing more work that is aligned with the inner passions?

Sure, we need to earn, to pay bills, and so on. Very simplistically speaking, we are born, we get an education, we get a job, we earn, we pay bills, and then bang, one day we're done. But is that it? I think not.

In my recent posts, I have written about the 4 behavior styles, which are important for that understanding, and application, significantly contributes to:

• Improved communication
• Improved personal and professional relationships
• Higher levels of workplace engagement
• Greater productivity and performance

To further strengthen relationships as well as live more fulfilled lives, it's also important to understand what at our core moves us. Then when we do work that is more in alignment with that deeper passion, work and life become more enjoyable and we're more successful too. With that in mind, over the next 6 posts, as promised, I'll share with you some insights into each of the 6 workplace motivators.

Of course, as with behaviors, please note that each of these motivators which you are about to learn are present within every individual. Only the degree of each varys and that they all interact in various ways to move people into action. Therefore, in a nutshell, it's important to understand these behaviors and motivations in totality rather then each in isolation of the other.

So what I am sharing with you is a very simplistic overview of each of the motivators. To better understand what moves you and your team members into action, and how they then carry out those actions, it's important to take the assessment and have it professionally interpreted.

In the meantime, my hope is by your gaining these basic insights alone will start to help you in various ways. Of course, if you have any questions, please just ask.

Pop Quiz on Behaviors :)

OK gang, you just finished learning about the 4 behavioral styles. Let's practice applying what you have learned over the last 4 days.

Here are 4 different scenarios. Can you identify the style of each of these individuals?

1. John is a successful engineer. He is very precise, patient, logical. Great with details and can communicate them clearly and exactly. He avoids conflicts and functions best when working alone. In his field, he is an expert.

2. Sally is strong-willed, results focused, tries her best to get everyone to focus on achieving her goals. Hates taking care of details. She took a huge risk to start her own business in a very competitive industry. She is determined to succeed.

3. Jimmy is very social, loves to talk, and glad to help people, and enjoys getting attention. He is the one who loves to go to social gatherings, pays lot of attention to how he looks and is great to cheering people on. When it comes to details however, that can be a problem for he missed on critical details.

4. Suzie is a calm, logical person who does not like sudden changes. She likes clear instructions and what's expected from her. While she can work alone, she does like being part of a team, around people and values honesty and a logical well thought out approach. Before starting any project, she likes to plan it out in details step by step before diving in. She is loyal and hard working and is able to also focus on details of the task while also being at the same time sensitive to the people around.

Behavior Style #4: Compliar

Think Al Gore, Monica Geller on Friends, Accountants, Auditors.

These folks are critical thinkers, direct and to the point in their communications, very detail and fact oriented, precise, accurate, compliant, logical and meticulous. They see the holes before the net, they fear being wrong, they tend to avoid conflict and they love to ask questions.

On the other hand, by some they are viewed pessimistic, cold, distant, picky, fussy, hard-to-please. But hey, you want them on your team for they'll catch potential critical mistakes before they happen, so they can be prevented.

For them a famous saying could be "In God we Trust, All Others Use Data". They like to test things out for they want proof. And if High Cs are reading this, I am sure they must have found my typos in this post already and that they already have long list of questions on what I have written, and on this topic in general.

Oh, one critical piece of data. This style in particular is not comfortable with physical contact, specially from strangers. So when you come into "contact" with them, I recommend you keep some distance, giving them their space.

Can you visualize those within your circle who fit these characteristics?

Behavior Style #3: Steady

Think Laura Bush, Mr. Rogers.

These folks are absolutely wonderful for they serve as a calming force when it seems all hell is breaking loose. Plus they are extremely loyal and very dependable, getting done what they commit to. They are the rock you can count on to be there when you need them. But don't let the calm easy going nature fool you. They have strong opinions but they just don't express them vocally.

In addition, they are great listeners, consistent, patient, quietly persistent, highly sensitive, tolerant, friendly, tactful, diplomatic, amiable, stable, understanding and team players. They love to build long-term relationships.

They are also great at reconciling factions, and they serve as a stabilizing force. Before they start on a project, they love to plan it out, draw it, and then think and act step wise. Start one task, finish and then move onto next. For example, they'll read a book start to finish before staring another one.

By some though, they can be viewed as unconcerned, as if they are not with the program, hesitant, inflexible, stubborn, detached, indecisive, resistant change, overly sensitive. It's just that they time to ponder alternatives and make decisions.

For these people, they do fear personal rejection and loss of stability so be sensitive to this when dealing with them. As for emotions, they are pretty good at hiding their emotions so you gotta be very attuned and sensitive to know what they are really feeling and thinking under that cool calm collected surface. For they'll quietly tolerate conflict, till one day it builds to a level that it can erupt like a volcano, leaving everyone stunned and surprised.

Can you visualize those within your circle who fit these characteristics?

Behavior Style #2: Influencer

Think Bill Clinton, Robin Williams, Cheerleaders.

Without these people, life would be dull. They bring fun, high energy, cheerfulness where ever they go. They are people people, life of the party, friendly, excited, enthusiastic, persuasive, optimistic, trusting, entertaining, talkative, lively, confident, inspiring, to name just a few.


They are comfortable with touch, with physical contact, and they tend to make decisions very quickly. Sometimes they appear disorganized and they have a tendency to throw around names. It's just how they are wired.

By some though, they can be viewed as say unrealistic, poor listeners, self-promoting, chatterboxes, scattered.

Yet when you need someone who is great at networking, to liven things up, to promote an idea, make connections, get your message out to lots of people, these are great people to have on the team. If they like you and what you have to offer, they will actively promote you.

With these folks though, make sure you make time to socialize first and then get to business, stay away from hard facts and don't focus too much on details. Details is not their thing. As for their fear , it is social rejection and when it comes to conflict, they run from it.

Can you visualize those within your circle who fit these characteristics?

Behavior Style #1: Dominance

Think Donald Trump, George W. Bush, Hiliary Clinton, Michael Jordon, Barbara Walters.

• Cut to the chase
• Get it done, now
• Move on
  

If you're a high D, you got the gist and are ready to log off this post at this point I am sure. No problem. All other types, I am sure will continue reading.

This style shows up as very competitive, independent, decisive, direct, results oriented, take charge, loves big challenges, fearless, blunt, head strong, impatient. Many times they are labeled as Type A, Alpha Males (applies to women too). This is how they are naturally wired.

While it's not High Ds intent, some view them as demanding, pushy, aggressive, egotistical, abrasive and other similar choice words. In the right role and situation though, they add tremendous value to the team for they are not afraid to take on tough challenges. In fact, they thrive on them.

These individuals are forward looking, great in situations where quick decisions are needed, where one needs to say take on a tough competitor, make the impossible possible. And they love change and in conflicts, they'll fight back. So never back them into a corner for they don't like to loose control or to loose.

Can you visualize those within your circle who fit these characteristics?

Don't Judge a Book By It's...

Yes, you said it...cover.

Yesterday I mentioned I'll be writing over the next 10 days about 4 different behavior styles and 6 different workplace motivators. Before I dive into that, I want to bring up two additional very important points.

First is human beings are way to complex to define by any one label. So while the information I will share with you will help you in gaining a deeper understanding and appreciation of yourself as well as others, please be mindful that there is so much more to each of us. Secondly, recognize that behaviors and motivators interplay.

For example, let's look at Joe (a real person, a dear friend of mine, whose name I have changed here as I don't share personal information about anyone on these blogs, aside from my own).

Joe on the surface (behavior) comes across as a pushy, dominating, aggressive individual. For those who are turned off by such behavior, as I too was at first, they often miss out by what he has to offer for deep in his heart, he has a heart of gold. You see, he has a strong drive to serve, to help others succeed. So if you get Joe in your corner, you have someone who will go to great lengths to help you get what you want.

Then there is Jane. On the surface she comes across as friendly, as charming, as someone who is there to help you. Yet on the inside she is driven very little by need to help others and instead her real drivers are power and prestige. In the right situation and role, she is a huge asset.

Therefore, as you gain greater insights into behaviors and motivators through my upcoming posts, please recognize that they do interplay, and therefore avoid the tendency to "judge a book by it's cover" alone.

Getting Along, Getting Aligned, Getting Ahead

As we're about to enter the holidays when there will be many gatherings, I wanted to continue on the post "Why Can't People Get Along", that I had written back in January of this year.

In my experience, a big reason for disagreements, distance between people, lost productivity, low engagement, turnover, etc. is simply because people can't get along. That often happens when people don't understand each other.

When they do get along and enjoy being with each other, they more effectively align, and it's simply amazing what they then can achieve. This is true not just in business but also in our lives outside of work as well. In fact, here's the formula to achieve nearly anything in life:

Simple Strategy + Systems/Processes + People + Action ===> Success

So no matter how good the strategy and systems and processes you have, nothing happens till people make it happen. And that doesn't happen 'till they are engaged in their work and with each other.

Therefore over the next 10 days, I am going to share with you, one each day, key pieces of information on each of the 4 basic personality styles and 6 key workplace motivators. Personality is what you can observe and motivators are what "internally" moves one into action. As you gain a deeper understanding of these and begin to apply this knowledge in your various personal and professional relationships, I am confident you're going to experience stronger connections, better results and greater joy.

One point to note though is that as you learn about these styles and motivators, it's important to recognize that there is no one style or motivator that is better then the other. Each style is important for everyone adds value. In addition, majority of individuals while they tend to exhibit one primary style, we're all complex beings and therefore we each have a mix of all styles generally and which one shows up more often depends on a given situation.

In any event, as you gain deeper understanding and apply of this knowledge, my hope is it will help you in numerous ways, as it has helped me. So for the next 10 days, I'll send you one post each day. (I'll do my best to keep 'em short and to the point.)

Association Membership: An Introverts Best Friend

Are you a recent college graduate looking for your second job, when you no longer have access to your college job fairs?

How would you like to generate millions in profitable revenue for your business, in return for a very small annual financial investment of less then only few hundred dollars?

I have experienced both of these benefits through my association memberships. In this post, I want to speak more to the second benefit, sharing my membership journey, challenges and opportunities and why I so firmly believe that association membership is one's best friend, best investment, whether you're in a job or in business.

I have been an active member of the American Society of Association Executives (ASAE) for over 15 years. Speaking from experience, in-terms of ROI alone, I challenge anyone to find a better investment then an association membership.

Many years ago, when we were just starting out in business, one of our clients suggested we join ASAE. I promptly filled out the application, mailed in the check, and eagerly awaited business to roll in. Yes, I was naive, thinking my joining alone will lead to lots of business.

Finally, one day I called up my client and told her that I had become a member, yet no business has come and that I was considering dropping the membership. She then explained that I needed to start showing showing up at various ASAE gatherings for I had to first gain visibility. Being an introvert, this did not come naturally to me. Still, what had to be done, had to be done. So mustering up the courage, I began to show up, where I didn't know anyone and at first it was frankly very uncomfortable. Here's some of what I experienced.

1. At the time, honestly, I was still fairly young and I used to be intimated by big titles. At these gatherings, everyone it seemed was a Director of... or Vice-President of....Executive Director of... Many had titles it seemed long enough to wrap around several New York city blocks. With such long titles, clearly they were very important and powerful people. And here I was, just the little guy trying to sell copying and printing.

2. With many of these people, when they found out I was on the supplier side, I suddenly felt a distance form, for I was a vendor, from the dark side as they called it, out for their business.

3. On top of it all, being an introvert, I was quiet and reserved. Lacking the gift of gab and an outgoing personality, specially under such circumstances where I didn't know anyone, I felt very uncomfortable, as if I was some unwanted intruder. Still, good thing in hindsight, I persevered, continued to show up, even though it was uncomfortable.

Well, at this point, you may be asking something like Vinay, on one hand you say association membership is an introverts best friend and yet you mention how difficult it was to get involved. Yes my friend, I understand the confusion. Please read on.

My turning point occurred when ASAE introduced their Listserves (electronic discussion boards). Unknowingly at the time, this was to play a huge role in my business and personal growth and me coming to where I am today in my life.

After I joined these groups, I began to read various discussions and quickly came to realize that even though many of these folks had big titles, they were facing similar challenges to ones we were facing in our business. As I began to understand and follow the discussions, I also then, starting off slowly, began to participate in the discussions, sharing my experiences, my learning, with the simple goal of sharing to help others succeed, as well as seeking advice and guidance for the challenges I was facing. And many of these people responded, providing me also with invaluable guidance and encouragement.

Without me being consciously aware of this at the time, these Listserves allowed me to leverage my love of writing and in a way that was comfortable given my nature, for I can spend hours all alone, happily writing on my laptop.

To my pleasant surprise, my postings were well received and that encouraged me to write even more. Overtime, I began to be recognized by name and when association folks and others involved in the community would see me at various gatherings, they would often thank me for my contributions to the Listserves. In the process, friendships began to develop and I began to feel more welcomed, and that too more on a peer-to-peer level rather then a vendor. It began to feel really nice, as if I had found my home.

Fast forward, overtime, some of my postings were (and still continue to be), turned into articles for publication in ASAE newsletters and the ASAE magazine, I was invited to speak at various forums, and serve on various councils and committees. All this contributed to my increased exposure, credibility, sense of belonging, and of course profitable business growth too. In addition to business growth, I have through my participation in ASAE, grown personally as well as have developed many many close friendships over the years.

So what does this mean for you?

You see, these days nearly every association has similar electronic discussion groups and they provide us introverts a very comfortable way to engage, to get involved, to develop visibility, networks, all of which also lead to to exposure, which is the first step to success.

Therefore, if you're an introvert and you're seeking career and/or business success, my advice to you is to right away join an association, one that will get you in front of your desired audience and one that represents your profession. For example, if you're say a human resources professional, join the Society of Human Resource Management (SHRM).

Don't even give this a second thought. Just do it. Success will follow if you join, engage, participate, and give back to the community helping others succeed. As I mentioned earlier, there is no single better investment of one's time and money then an association membership.

Join Today! Get Active!

PS Association membership is an extroverts best friend too, for associations provide many forums in which extroverts really shine. So there is a place for every one. You just have to take the first step, that is to join and then actively participate. You will grow professionally and personally. I guarantee it.

Networking: How to Extract Yourself from a "Chatterbox"

One of my blog readers wrote asking: How do I extract myself from someone who talks non-stop, with no natural breaking point, without me feeling bad?

Have any of you found yourself in a similar situation? While below I will share how I generally handle it, won't you please also chime in and share how you do it. Thanks.

As for me, interjecting, I simply say something like, "It's great chatting with you and you're making some great points. Unfortunately, I gotta run and take care of something. Can we reconnect and continue our conversation at another time please? Shoot me an email and let's set something up. Cool?"

This usually takes care of it. As for feeling bad about having to cut out, as long as it's handled being respectful of the other person, people really do understand. Therefore, I wouldn't really worry about that.

Networking for Introverts

By nature, I am a reserved person and I lack the gift of the gab. I don't know much about sports and I am not into small talk. Yet being in business development, networking is part of my job.

For the longest time, networking felt awkward and uncomfortable. I would often be the guy on the side with a drink in my hand. I silently wished I could mingle like rest of the folks who were chatting away and having a gala time. But I didn't know where to start or what to do. Yes, it was "lonely".

It is said that necessity is the source for new ideas, new solutions. Out of my necessity, I came up with my "4-Steps to Networking for Introverts". It has worked like a charm. So if you're like me and this is a challenge for you, read on.

Here are my 4-steps. Give 'em a try and experience the benefits for yourself. Before proceeding though, realize that I see networking as a way to start initiating relationships, and not as the place to sell. With that, let's move forward.

Step 1: After you get a drink, find someone in the room who is standing alone. Trust me, it won't be difficult. Walk up to them, extend out your hand and say something like "Hi, I am Vinay. And you are?". They'll be so thankful to you for reaching out to them. After they give you there name, say something like what I say "Nice to meet you. I am Vinay, with Marketing General. We help associations grow membership. Tell me, what do you do?". After they have talked a bit, depending of course on the flow of the conversation, you can say something like "Wow, that's fantastic. How did you get into that?".

Step 2: After some time, gently get away from person you met in step 1, and find another person standing alone. Repeat line of questioning & conversation outlined in step #1.

Step 3: After some initial conversation, together with person you met in step #2, walk over to person you met in step #1 and introduce them to each other, and let them start to have a conversation. As that happens, gently move away onto step #4.

Step 4: Find a 3rd person who is alone and start over with step #1.

The secret it to reach out, ask few open ended questions, and then just listen. People generally love to talk about themselves and what they do. So all you have to do is reach out with a simple hello, and ask couple of open ended questions to get the ball rolling. Through this entire process, you mostly listen, which is where we introverts really excel. In addition, the other person in feels great and it works to your style, your natural strength as an introvert.

Before you know it, you'll have initiated some great relationships, some that may even turn into life long friends, let alone clients. You'll have helped those individuals who were probably feeling alone, wishing they had someone to talk to. Furthermore, you'll have engaged these individuals, made them feel welcomed which could lead them to come again to such gatherings. Finally, those conversations may lead to business for you and they may further also introduce you to others, folks whom you otherwise might have never met. EVERYONE wins! Go ahead and give it try.

Well, now that I have this networking under my belt, next I need to overcome my inhibitions and get myself onto the dance floor. If you get that one figured out before I do, please do share your secret. My wife will thank you, for she likes to dance and I don't have the nerves to go on the dance floor just yet, atleast not without having several stiff drinks first. :)